Days You Ponder Your Why

I wrote a piece a couple weeks back that sat on my computer waiting for me to publish.  The funny thing is I didn’t want to.  Maybe the words needed to be said, or at least laid out, but not published. That is common for me.  There are many things in my life that I have held close for so long it is hard to release it.  I write it, and it just doesn’t feel right to share it -yet.

I didn’t change the title, however.  I was pondering why I chose to take this latest adventure.  I am not a “runner” in the sense that I am going into 50k training with a ridged running history.  Not the least.  I do enjoy running, and the more I spend time outside running the happier I feel.  When I miss a run, I feel the letdown.  I have heard of that happening, and now I live it.

I chose this adventure because I do like a good challenge.  A personal challenge.  It sits on my shoulders.  The way I train will expose itself on race day.  This isn’t new to any of us.  No matter what you put your heart into such as work, play, or daily necessities, the time you took to prepare will show in the end.  What I love the most is I can’t rely on anyone to do it for me.  This is my baby, and I own it.

I may own it, but I can’t do it solely by myself.  I need support.  My family and friends who are there to cheer me on, train with me, bear with me when I have my downs, and celebrate with me during my ups.  No one can do this for me, but I can’t do it without my team.  It’s a balance of life that is new to me.

Living a life not allowing myself to rely on anyone for so long has been a heartwarming process of change.  Trusting people isn’t if they let you down anymore, it is the friendship of acceptance and humble human living.  We are all messed up in our own rights.  It is easy for us to protect ourselves from the hurt others may cause, but it imprisons a piece of you.  A piece of you so important you don’t feel completely alive without it. It’s been grasping my heart a lot lately.  The pride I feel knowing I can allow people in my life.  And, yet, I am burdened by the amount of people who haven’t found that peace yet, and make a decision that will never allow them to find it.

Lately, there have been a lot of young people taking their lives in my community.  It breaks my heart there are so many people without hope in their life.  One of the best quotes I heard lately is, “depression is different than sadness in that depression is sadness without hope.” Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD.  I have had a lot of hard times in my life.  Times I wanted to give up, and without knowing it at the time, I always had hope keeping my spirit alive.  Reflecting back, I know I have always had hope even when I was in deep valleys.  I have always believed in God and his promises.  Without hope, I see why people choose suicide.  What is the reason to live with the pain they are feeling?

When I run, I want to run for the hopeless.  The ones who feel they have nothing to live for.  The ones who feel dying is better than the rut they feel themselves stuck in.  Suicide may feel like the best option to a heart that has compressing pain around it.  Not able to see past the crippling thoughts that bind them and view the possibilities waiting for them on the other side.  There is another side, and it doesn’t have to be the death to be the release.

As I begin my Ultra training next week I will continue to look into organizations I can support on my journey.  I would love to hear any of your ideas.  Remember to let your family and friends know how much you love them.  That there is always a safe place in you.  Be real and ask for help when you need it.  Asking others for help is one of the best ways to show people you trust them and you become someone they can turn to more easily.  Let’s make a difference in our community, our families, our workplaces.

Much Love!